Memories

So, I thought it would be appropriate  to finish off my blog posts for this semester by writing a post about memory, since it is our theme for our last week of class. I had originally planned on writing this near the beginning of the course, but I feel it fits much better at the end. This post is definitely going to be very personal, but I think it's good to get personal feelings out in the open, especially when you've had them weighing on your shoulders for awhile. For this post, I'm just going to open right up about my own personal experiences with death, and the memories associated with those experiences. It's going to be tough for me, but I think it will be good to get it out in the open.

In general, I consider myself to be lucky when it comes to personal experiences with death. I had lost some friends in high school, but most of those people were barely more than acquaintances that I shared classes or other friends with. I never lost anyone close to me until I was 22 in 2009. Up until that point, I had only lost pets. And don't get me wrong, losing a pet rips your heart into many pieces. They're kind of like a fuzzy little sibling or child, so when you lose one, it hurts all the same. But before I delve right into losing those close to me, I'd like to share my first two experiences with human death that I can recall.

The first memory I have of a death, was when I was very young. My father, whom I've mostly been out of touch with for many years, came to us to tell us his mother, my grandmother, had passed away.  I'd never met her before, and that, coupled with being so young, kind of left me in a confused state. I have fuzzy memories of being hugged, but that is about the extent of it.

My next experience, was with the loss of a friend. She had passed away in a fatal car accident during our high school years. I think I was around 14 at the time, which would have made her 16 or 17. I remember going to her funeral, which had an open casket. Up until this point, I had never seen a dead person in real life. So, a friend of mine and myself walked up to the casket to pay our respects, and all I can remember thinking is, "she's not smiling.  It's so not like her at all..."  To this day, I can still remember everything about how she looked. Even though she was dressed up in her favorite clothes with her hair all done, she looked entirely different. This was a girl who smiled ALL of the time. It impacted me hugely.

In 2009, my grandmother got sick. She had suffered from diabetes for a very long time, and was slowly declining. A few days before I was to meet my boyfriend, now fiance, my grandmother was hospitalized. The day we were going to visit her, had also been the day my boyfriend was to arrive, and consequently, I stayed behind to wait for him to show up. I know deep down, that it was probably better to remember her as the woman that she was rather than what she must have looked like laying in a hospital bed, but it still kills me knowing that I never got to see her before she passed away. It's okay though, I had extra support, which helped me stay strong to help my family. I tend to be the person that doesn't show hurt in order to be a rock for everyone who is. In the end, I felt sad, but relieved that she would no longer be suffering. That fact helped me through her death. One day, I will travel to Edmonton to visit her grave on her family plot.

Not long after the loss of my grandmother, our family suffered another death.  This time, it was my uncle, who had, in general, been fairly healthy and active. I remember waking up, going on facebook, and reading one of my friends statuses saying that there had been a terrible accident on the main highway into town. At this point, they thought it was a woman (my uncle had long hair), so I really thought nothing of it other than sadness for the person who had been lost in the accident. I had been talking to my mom on the phone when she received a call from my uncle's significant other, so she went to take the call.  She then called me back, told me it was my uncle, and I think everything kind of fell apart for me at that point. As far as I know, we don't really know what happened to cause the accident. That, coupled with the fact that it was very sudden, made the impact of his loss increase exponentially.  Some time before he passed away, I had taken a photo of one of my favorite places on Salt Spring Island, Vesuvius Bay.

"Sail Away", Vesuvius Bay, Salt Spring Island, BC

This also happens to be the same bay where my grandfather scattered the ashes of my uncle. When I took the photo, it had originally just been a reminder of a place I loved, and a photo I was proud of. Now, it holds incredible significance to me. Looking at it now, it not only reminds me of those fond times, but also of my uncle. It's humbling to have this photo to look at whenever I think about him.

In my own personal experiences, I've found that sudden loss is far more tragic and painful than the loss of someone who was slowly declining, even though it still hurts a great deal. This course has definitely made me think about all these types of things, including the loss, how they were buried, significance of landscape, etc. Not only have I learned about burial and death in many other contexts, the class has also helped me understand the loss of those I love.

Anyways, that's all I've got to say about this. I hope anyone reading this appreciates how difficult it was for me to get it all out in the open. I certainly feel better having it out there to share with others, and to have thought about it in a different manner than I would normally thanks to the aid of this course. So, thanks for listening (with your eyes).

I'll most likely keep this blog going after the end of this class, but I have to say, it's been a slice. Thanks for following the blog and for reading!

The Anglo-Saxon Princess-Nun?

When I went to check my e-mail this afternoon, I noticed my grandfather had sent me a link to an article from the BBC News page. The article is titled Anglo-Saxon Christian grave find near Cambridge 'extremely rare'. Grandpa was right on the money when he sent me this one, and I went to read it straight away.

Apparently, the burial (inhumation) of a teenage girl, about 16 years old, was found near Cambridge. The burial was dated to the mid 7th century AD and the article states that this was the time when Christianity would have started to be introduced to the Pagan Anglo-Saxon kings. The girl was buried on a wooden bed, and was found with a gorgeous gold and garnet cross on her chest, that would have possibly been sewn on to her clothing.

L: Image of a recovered skull; R: Image of the gold and garnet cross 

She is found in a cluster of four burials, and is the only one with a cross. In the article, it states that because of the burial type and presence of grave goods, it suggests a conversion period between Paganism and Christianity. It was also suggested that the quality of the jewellery as well as method of burial may indicate that the girl was from an elite or royal family. After having discussed this briefly in class, I went back to read a couple other articles on the subject.

Originally, I was thinking it was pretty neat that they may have found evidence of the transition period between Christianity and Paganism. However, I got so caught up in this, I completely overlooked the idea of gender and status, other than what was stated in the first article.

When I read the original article, I hadn't thought about the tendency to think about how if we find a burial with lots of stuff, or really nice stuff, we automatically jump to royalty or elite because they stand out. I suppose, after having read so much about these types of burials (after all, they are the ones people tend to talk about), perhaps it was just second nature to me? Maybe I was just tired and not thinking. After discussing this in class, I realized that this happens a lot, and really should be taken into account if we are to look at status of an individual objectively. Just because we call them 'princes' or 'princesses' or anything else, really, doesn't necessarily mean that's what they were. Interpretation is a powerful tool. We need to make sure we're not jumping the gun on how we interpret a grave just because there are pretty sparkly things. Don't get me wrong, though, I definitely like the pretty sparkly things. Overall, I think it was probably a good assumption in this case that whoever this girl was, she was probably well off, or, at the very least, whomever buried her was, given the types of things she was buried with and the location in which she was buried. To go as far as to call her a princess, seems a bit of a leap for me, though. That said, I've always been a bit wary of titles like that without significant proof, rather than a hypothesis.

When we discussed this in class, the idea of the women being Nuns intrigued me. Another article mentions that it appeared all of the women found died at approximately the same time. They cite Anglo-Saxon chronicles as stating England had been hit by the plague around 664 AD, and mention that archaeological evidence suggests these four women died around that time. Archaeologists also found the remnants of a long timber structure, as well as other buildings with storage nearby. It was concluded that the 'princess' and the other women may have been a part of a monastery based on their gender, burial, the nearby structures, and the presence of the cross. I feel like this interpretation is sound given that many different factors were taken into account, and they weren't just basing it off of simply the cross, or simply the gender, etc.

In any case, this find is very interesting to me. I am absolutely looking forward to reading more about it in the future. Feel free to discuss if you disagree (or agree) with my thoughts, or simply would just like to comment!

References:

BBC News, 2012. Anglo-Saxon Christian grave find near Cambridge 'extremely rare'. [online] Available at: http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-cambridgeshire-17378845 [Accessed 16 March 2012].

Keys, D, 2012. Remains of dark ages princess in a field in Cambridge. [online] Available at: http://www.independent.co.uk/news/science/archaeology/remains-of-dark-ages-princess-found-in-field-in-cambridge-7574249.html [Accessed 24 March 2012].

The Test

Well, better late than never, I always say. After a bit of a rough week and a bit, I've finally had some time to contemplate a website (or page in my case) in order to give our rubric a bit of a test run. Our group has decided to do our project on Pictish burial. Our focus is on a site called Forteviot, in central Scotland. When we chose to do this site, I don't think we realized that nothing had been published on the site just yet, as it is still 'new'. So, because of the limited sources, I thought about taking a bit of a more general approach to test our rubric out. I was Google searching for pictish burial, the picts, etc. Surprisingly, not finding a whole lot. Apparently death photos of Osama Bin Laden are related, though!?? Not quite what I was looking for, Google.

Anyhow, I happened across a webpage on a website called Wikinut. Considering this is a public website in which any old person can sign up and write about whatever they please (at least, from my understanding), I didn't have a whole lot of hope in it. However, the information that was provided, brief as it may be, actually was pretty decent. I had read about/heard about much of what the author of the article was discussing, so I kept reading. Once I arrived at the end, I noticed that there were even a couple of references that I recognized! So, on the basis of that, I decided to do my test on this webpage.

Our rubric contains categories for a data base and cooperative work. This article was only written by one author that I can see, and there is no data base within the work. Naturally, I have removed these two categories from this particular test, as they are not relevant. That leaves us with Content (/20), Content Accuracy (/15), Layout (/15), Research/Bibliography (/15), Spelling and Grammar (/5) and Citations (/5), for a total of 75 possible marks. Our original rubric is set up to be out of 100 marks. Round numbers are our friends.

In terms of content, for the type of page it is, I think it provides a nice introduction and overview to who the Picts were, and the types of things associated with them, such as their symbol stones and burials. The author spends most of the article discussing the Pictish symbol stones (but briefly), which makes sense seeing as that is what they are generally "known" for. Overall, the content itself is good, but not super. I would give this category a 13/20. I feel like I need to bunch Content Accuracy in with this paragraph also. As stated before, a lot of the information here, I had read about or heard about prior to finding this page. The information I found was from textbooks and other scholarly articles. I have a problem with some of the things the author states, as there is nothing to back up what they have written. So, for this category, I would give the page a 10/15.

The overall layout to the page reads well, and the different categories are well defined at the very top of the page with hyperlinks to the different sections. Categories are clearly marked on the page through the use of special headers (larger, different colour, etc.), and key words and terms are in bold font. The author does attempt the use of images in the article, but only uses one photo. I feel like they could have probably used a few more photos and/or maps to enhance the article. The type of site that it is, it tends to look extremely cluttered near the top part of the page, and near the bottom where all of the comments are listed. As a total, I would give this category a 10/15.

The only photo used on the website; a photo of a Pictish symbol stone.

Remaining categories, research/bibliography, citations and spelling, grammar I feel I should stick together. There were some sources on the page, but only listed at the very bottom, and not in any particular format that I could easily recognized. The citations had no dates, or other distinguishing factors apart from author name and title of article, or links, when appropriate. There was definitely an attempt at research in order get the information correct, but only three sources were listed. Of these sources, I could not see any citations within the text telling where the authors ideas and facts came from. I did not notice any errors in spelling and grammar, although, I've never been super at finding silly grammatical errors. I make them a lot. In total, I would give the research category a 7/15, citations a 1/5 (only because sources were listed), and spelling & grammar a 5/5.

That gives us a grand total of 46/75 or 61.3%.

After doing this little test, I think that our rubric might still need a wee bit of tinkering, just to get the categories more clear and concise. Now, it is time for me to go read some more about lovely Picts (60 page paper! Joy??), have some tea, and relax!

Aokigahara Forest

While stumbling around on the internet this evening, I happened across a page containing a bunch of pictures of the Aokigahara Forest, at the foot of Mount Fuji, in Japan. For anyone who doesn't know about this forest, it is also known by the names "Jukai" (meaning "Sea of Trees"), "Forest of Death", or more popularly, "Suicide Forest". This forest is known as a major spot for troubled individuals to end their lives; over 100 victims of suicide are found here each year. The main method of suicide in this forest is by hanging, though some are also taken through overdose of sleeping pills, starvation, and dehydration. The link provided above contains some disturbing photos (individuals hanging from trees, human remains, etc.), so I would strongly encourage you not to have a peek if you are impressionable or get disturbed easily.

This forest has always sort of intrigued me in a way. On one hand, it's incredibly sad about the situation within the forest, but on the other, I had always wondered why people chose to go there, to that particular forest. So, putting off my other homework, I decided to have a peek around the internet to see if I could find any answers.

An image of a skull found in Aokigahara Forest, Japan

Straight away, I found a link on youtube to a short, two part documentary of sorts about the forest (I'll post these videos at the end for anyone who wishes to watch them). The 'host' is a Japanese geologist by the name of Azusa Hayano. He does patrols through the forest to check for remains, or to see if there are any individuals camping there. In the video he mentions that if a person brings a tent into the forest, they are usually still struggling with the idea of committing suicide or not. Near the beginning of this video, he mentions that in the old days, suicide was a practice of the samurai's, and that poorer families would often abandoned elders in the mountains, who would be left to die. As Hayano enters the forest, he stops to read a sign that is in place to help prevent further suicides. It says that ones life is a precious gift, and that one should speak to others rather than dealing with problems on their own. The sign also includes a number for a suicide prevention hotline.

The first thing that I noticed when Hayano ventured off the maintained paths of the forest was the amount of tape strung around trees. Apparently, individuals who enter this part of the forest wrap this tape around trees so that they may find their way out if they decide not to go through with it. Hayano mentions that if one follows the tape, one will almost always find something at the end, whether it be remains of an individual, or signs that someone had been there. Throughout the video, Hayano and his camera member come across the remains (a skeleton, still wearing clothing), an upside down doll nailed to a tree (representing the torture of society), suicide notes, a suicide manual, various tents, a living person in a tent (whom they later rescued), and, what touched me most, were two bouquets of flowers and a box of chocolate left for the deceased. It wasn't so much that there were goods left for someone who had taken their life, but what Hayano said about this: "You think you die alone, but that's not true. Nobody is alone in this world." I absolutely agree with this, and it really makes the sad reality of this forest come to light. People think they are alone, but they aren't. There are still people who love them. Hayano asked the same question I did. He wanted to know why people came to die in this "beautiful forest." He still hasn't found the answer.

After watching through the videos, I found a website that had some pictures and short captions about the forest. On this site, I found a couple of reasons why the forest may have become more popular and romanticized. Apparently, a 1960's book, Kuroi Jukai tells a tale of two lovers who both commit suicide together in Aokigahara Forest at the end. Another very controversial book in 1993, The Complete Suicide Manual, recommends Aokigahara as "the perfect place to die." I think this might explain why so many people come here to end their lives. Perhaps they feel it is honorable to die here, and for their souls to remain in the forest.

Because there are are so many deaths here, both in the distant and recent past, there are ghost stories surrounding the area as well. These angry spirits - yurei - are said to remain in the forest, and prevent others from leaving. I found this article that talked a bit about the yurei and also an interesting practice that took place if a body was found in the forest.

"However, even in these haunted woods, regular humans still have a job to do. Forestry workers rotate in and out of shifts at a station building in Aokigahara, and occasionally they will come upon unfortunate bodies in various states of decomposition, usually hanging from trees or partially eaten by animals. The bodies are brought down to the station, where a spare room is kept especially for such occasions. In this room are two beds: one for the corpse and one for someone to sleep next to it. Yup, you read that correctly. It is thought that if the corpse is left alone, the lonely and unsettled yurei will scream the whole night through, and the body will move itself into the regular sleeping quarters."

Kind of a creepy idea. Not entirely sure I could snuggle up to a corpse to keep it company... but that's just me.

Well, that's about the sum of my knowledge about the Suicide Forest. If anyone else has other information or knowledge to share with me, please feel free to post it. Or even just post comments and thoughts about the forest itself. Do you have any questions about what is going on here? Possible explanations? I'd love to hear ideas! For now though, I will leave those interested with the videos I found on YouTube, and I must get myself some sleep.

References:

CNN, 2009. Desperate Japanese head to 'suicide forest'. [online] Available at: http://articles.cnn.com/2009-03-19/world/suicide.forrest.japan_1_suicide-taro-aokigahara-forest/2?_s=PM:WORLD [Accessed 28 February 2012].

Davisson, Z, 2012. The suicide woods of Mt. Fuji. [online] Available at: http://www.seekjapan.jp/article-1/767/The+Suicide+Woods+of+Mt.+Fuji [Accessed 28 February 2012]

Forde, M, n.d. Aokigahara: Japan's forest of death. [online] Available at: http://www.environmentalgraffiti.com/news-aokigahara-forest-death [Accessed 28 February 2012].

Image:

[Aokigahara skull] n.d. [image online] Available at: http://funzu.com/index.php/crazy-pics/aokigahara-forest-of-suicides-29102009.html [Accessed 28 February 2012].

YouTube Videos:

NNekromantik, 2010. Aokigahara - Suicide forest 1/2. [video online] Available at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=6CK1KdAha78 [Accessed 28 February 2012].

NNekromantik, 2010. Aokigahara - Suicide forest 2/2. [video online] Available at: http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=V1eXOXYI3bc [Accessed 28 February 2012].

Protection after death

Over reading break while I was in Tacoma, Washington, I was listening to the Seattle Komo 4 news in the car when I heard an interesting, but terribly sad, story. The "prequel" to this story had been in the news for quite awhile. It began with a missing woman - Susan Cox Powell, in 2009. To this day, I don't think they ever found out what actually happened to her, but her husband, Josh Powell, had been questioned about the matter. Recently, Josh, who had two young sons with his currently missing wife, attacked both sons with a hatchet and then set his residence on fire, killing both his sons and himself in the process.

The news of this was broadcast for days; the funeral for the boys took place on February 11, 2012. They were buried in a cemetery in Puyallup, Washington and the newest story regarding this tragic tale, caught my attention. At first, I thought I had heard wrong, but when the story repeated, I learned that I had not. Apparently, a detective, Ed Troyer (some of you may have heard of him during the shooting of police officers at a Lakewood coffee shop a few years ago), and a Sheriff, Paul Pastor, along with some money from Crimestoppers in Tacoma, purchased the burial plots next to the boys in the graveyard so that their father could not be buried next to them. The relatives of Josh Powell want his body to be buried in the same cemetery as his sons, and had selected a grave plot 25 feet away from them. The family of Susan Cox is apparently trying to seek a temporary restraining order to prevent Josh from being buried anywhere near the two boys.

Personally, I think this was a noble gesture on the part of the police and Crimestoppers, to protect these boys from their father, even in death. If I see individuals buried together (in a more modern context), I automatically think of family; people who loved and cared for one another. Not a broken family with a father who murdered his sons, and then killed himself. A father who may or may not have been involved with the disappearance of his wife.

Was this the right thing to do? Are there any moral issues with this? Did the police even have the right to purchase these plots when the family of Josh wanted him to be buried there?
What are your thoughts on this matter?

It is a tragic story, to say the least. I simply cannot comprehend what goes through some people's minds. I only wish for justice and peace for these boys who obviously lost their lives much too young.

St. Paul's Roman Catholic Church and Cemetery Monument Analysis

For our monument analysis assignment, our group decided to go to a cemetery outside of Victoria and its surrounding area. We chose to go to Salt Spring Island and check out a small cemetery near the Fulford Harbour ferry terminal. A short walk up the road is the cutest stone church on the whole island, in my opinion. The St. Paul's Roman Catholic church is the oldest church on Salt Spring Island, founded in 1878, built between 1880 and 1885 and dedicated on May 10, 1885.

The cemetery has three sections; the first is next to the church, the second is East of the church at the end of the driveway, and the final section, which contains newer graves, is located North East of the church up a separate driveway. We could not find anyone to contact to see about surveying the graves, and since we had seen other photos and blogs of people who had gone and taken photos, we figured it would be fine to go do our own analysis. A few hours into our project, an older gentleman showed up and stood watch over us as we continued our analysis. He didn't say anything to any of us, so we figured he must have been there to make sure we were not doing anything to damage the monuments. I later mentioned this to my grandfather, who lives on Salt Spring, and he was not surprised that we had a silent supervisor. According to him, the cemetery had been vandalised a few times before. It is still beyond me that people could have such little respect for the dead.

View St. Paul's Catholic Church Cemetery, Salt Spring Island in a larger map

The cemetery at St. Paul's has a relatively small number of marked graves. Near the front of the church, there is a memorial plaque for some 67 graves in the cemetery that are no longer marked.
After taking a look around at all the different sections of cemetery and the types of monuments there, we decided to focus on thirteen graves that had shell necklaces placed on them. From the research we had done prior to going to Salt Spring, we knew that the graves with shells belonged to a group of settlers from Hawaii known as the Kanakas. While the majority of the Kanaka graves had shells placed on them, not all of them did. For the purpose of our analysis, we chose to omit those graves without shells.

The sample of graves we chose to look at included babies to old adults. The monuments included obelisks, upright headstones, flat headstones, plaques and cement sarcophagi. The dates range from 1892 to 2009, the majority in the early 1900's. Two of the graves had no dates listed.

After the examination of the monuments, we wondered about the change in monument type over time. Our main question we wanted to answer was if the plain cement sarcophagi corresponded with a time of distress, such as World War II. When compared to the sarcophagi, we had noticed that the other monuments were more elaborate and decorated. After examining our data, we noticed that all of the visible sarcophagi, with the exception of one - Alfred Douglas - dated between 1943 and 1945 at the earliest dates. One of these sarcophagi contained two names - Doris and Jerome Pappenberger - and dated to 1945 and 1956 respectively. The Alfred Douglas sarcophagus dated to 1907. This data seemed to confirm our hypothesis that these less elaborate graves corresponded with the war. Staying with this theme, it seems that the three obelisks we analysed were erected in the early 1900's; the Pallow monument's earliest date was 1907, Noukin dating to 1909, and the Peterson obelisk with the dates of 1903 and 1908. It seems that earlier monuments were more elaborate than the ones dating closer to the mid 1900's. Based on this assumption, one can assume that the two monuments of unknown date - Edie Tahuney and the Gibson monument - may have dated to an earlier period due to their style.

L: Noukin Obelisk 1909; C: Mary H. Headstone 1892; R: Matilda Roland Sarcophagus 1943

I would like to find out more about why these particular Kanaka graves contain photos and shell necklaces today. Is it because they were some of the first settlers to Salt Spring? Are there still relatives living on the Island and paying their respects? Were these individuals of higher status than some of the other Kanaka settlers? Is there no particular reason at all? I feel these questions could be answered with more research, especially in the archives, but also by checking into local museums or perhaps interviewing some of the current locals on the island.

I also happened across a book written by Tom Koppel, a Salt Spring Island resident, about the Kanakas. It is called Kanaka : the untold story of Hawaiian pioneers in British Columbia and the Pacific Northwest. This book apparently contains photos of the settlers as well as chronicles the lives of some of the families who came to live on Salt Spring. It is available in UVic's special collections in the library. If I look more into their history, this book would definitely provide some good information.

I would very much like to continue research about this cemetery and about the history of the people buried there. St. Paul's is a beautiful church with a beautiful cemetery. It is filled with many different monuments dedicated to those young and old. Perhaps I can return some time soon, and examine the other graves in more detail.

References

Salt Spring Archives, n.d. a. Salt Spring's Hawaiian Community. [online] Available at: http://saltspringarchives.com/multicultural/kanaka.htm [Accessed 19 February 2012].

Salt Spring Archives, n.d. b. St. Paul's, Salt Spring Island's First Church. [online] Available at: http://saltspringarchives.com/cemetary/stpaul/index.htm [Accessed 18 February 2012].

Memento Mori

Until last night, I had completely forgotten about a rather macabre Victorian tradition - post mortem photography. While doing a quick internet search to see if I could find anything more about this, I happened upon a short little article that had a nice concise explanation as well as a bunch of photos. Just a quick warning, if you get freaked out easily, I probably wouldn't recommend looking at many of the pictures (there are quite a few of deceased infants and children). I generally enjoy weird and macabre things, and some of them were even a bit creepy for me.

Over the past few years, I have come to learn and appreciate the Victorian's strange obsession with death and funerals. Funerals were rather elaborate and the whole idea of death was a very public one. We must remember that this was a time of disease and a high mortality rate, especially among infants.

With the invention of photography, lower income families were able to have portraits taken of their loved ones after death as a keepsake (until this point, you would have had to hire someone to paint portraits, which would be costly). According to the article I found, early portraits were usually a close up of the face. It also states that the individual being photographed is usually depicted to appear as though they are sleeping, although, I have seen photos where it appears eyes are wide open. There are later examples that I have seen that include living family members posed with the deceased. Examples of photos from the article also show a number of portraits that include individuals propped up on chairs, or in coffins.

So, I thought I'd conclude with a video, it's about four minutes long and begins by giving you background on what Victorian post mortem photography is all about, and then has a slide show of some of the photos you can find on the internet. If you're interested, take a look!

If anyone knows anything else about this, I'd love to learn more, so point me in the right direction!