Memories

So, I thought it would be appropriate  to finish off my blog posts for this semester by writing a post about memory, since it is our theme for our last week of class. I had originally planned on writing this near the beginning of the course, but I feel it fits much better at the end. This post is definitely going to be very personal, but I think it's good to get personal feelings out in the open, especially when you've had them weighing on your shoulders for awhile. For this post, I'm just going to open right up about my own personal experiences with death, and the memories associated with those experiences. It's going to be tough for me, but I think it will be good to get it out in the open.

In general, I consider myself to be lucky when it comes to personal experiences with death. I had lost some friends in high school, but most of those people were barely more than acquaintances that I shared classes or other friends with. I never lost anyone close to me until I was 22 in 2009. Up until that point, I had only lost pets. And don't get me wrong, losing a pet rips your heart into many pieces. They're kind of like a fuzzy little sibling or child, so when you lose one, it hurts all the same. But before I delve right into losing those close to me, I'd like to share my first two experiences with human death that I can recall.

The first memory I have of a death, was when I was very young. My father, whom I've mostly been out of touch with for many years, came to us to tell us his mother, my grandmother, had passed away.  I'd never met her before, and that, coupled with being so young, kind of left me in a confused state. I have fuzzy memories of being hugged, but that is about the extent of it.

My next experience, was with the loss of a friend. She had passed away in a fatal car accident during our high school years. I think I was around 14 at the time, which would have made her 16 or 17. I remember going to her funeral, which had an open casket. Up until this point, I had never seen a dead person in real life. So, a friend of mine and myself walked up to the casket to pay our respects, and all I can remember thinking is, "she's not smiling.  It's so not like her at all..."  To this day, I can still remember everything about how she looked. Even though she was dressed up in her favorite clothes with her hair all done, she looked entirely different. This was a girl who smiled ALL of the time. It impacted me hugely.

In 2009, my grandmother got sick. She had suffered from diabetes for a very long time, and was slowly declining. A few days before I was to meet my boyfriend, now fiance, my grandmother was hospitalized. The day we were going to visit her, had also been the day my boyfriend was to arrive, and consequently, I stayed behind to wait for him to show up. I know deep down, that it was probably better to remember her as the woman that she was rather than what she must have looked like laying in a hospital bed, but it still kills me knowing that I never got to see her before she passed away. It's okay though, I had extra support, which helped me stay strong to help my family. I tend to be the person that doesn't show hurt in order to be a rock for everyone who is. In the end, I felt sad, but relieved that she would no longer be suffering. That fact helped me through her death. One day, I will travel to Edmonton to visit her grave on her family plot.

Not long after the loss of my grandmother, our family suffered another death.  This time, it was my uncle, who had, in general, been fairly healthy and active. I remember waking up, going on facebook, and reading one of my friends statuses saying that there had been a terrible accident on the main highway into town. At this point, they thought it was a woman (my uncle had long hair), so I really thought nothing of it other than sadness for the person who had been lost in the accident. I had been talking to my mom on the phone when she received a call from my uncle's significant other, so she went to take the call.  She then called me back, told me it was my uncle, and I think everything kind of fell apart for me at that point. As far as I know, we don't really know what happened to cause the accident. That, coupled with the fact that it was very sudden, made the impact of his loss increase exponentially.  Some time before he passed away, I had taken a photo of one of my favorite places on Salt Spring Island, Vesuvius Bay.

"Sail Away", Vesuvius Bay, Salt Spring Island, BC

This also happens to be the same bay where my grandfather scattered the ashes of my uncle. When I took the photo, it had originally just been a reminder of a place I loved, and a photo I was proud of. Now, it holds incredible significance to me. Looking at it now, it not only reminds me of those fond times, but also of my uncle. It's humbling to have this photo to look at whenever I think about him.

In my own personal experiences, I've found that sudden loss is far more tragic and painful than the loss of someone who was slowly declining, even though it still hurts a great deal. This course has definitely made me think about all these types of things, including the loss, how they were buried, significance of landscape, etc. Not only have I learned about burial and death in many other contexts, the class has also helped me understand the loss of those I love.

Anyways, that's all I've got to say about this. I hope anyone reading this appreciates how difficult it was for me to get it all out in the open. I certainly feel better having it out there to share with others, and to have thought about it in a different manner than I would normally thanks to the aid of this course. So, thanks for listening (with your eyes).

I'll most likely keep this blog going after the end of this class, but I have to say, it's been a slice. Thanks for following the blog and for reading!